Will you voluntarily and happily accept a rape survivor as your spouse?

Answer by Anonymous:

I have married a MAN  who was raped. And not as a child.
 
I married my husband after we dated for about 5 years. We spent a lot of time together and I knew he was the man for me. My parents liked him a lot and his parents too liked me. Since our college days I used to go to his home and he to mine.
After dating and being serious for 4 years, it was I who picked up the topic of marriage. I never thought that he would hesitate, so when he did, I was shocked.
 
I imagined everything possible. Has he liked someone else? Has he lost interest? Was he just playing with me? Blah Blah Blah.. I pressed him a lot and after a while I gave him an ultimatum.
I told him either he would marry me, or break up. I don't want things to be hanging loose.
That is when finally he told me something he had not told anyone. He called me to his place when his parents were out of town and broke down.
 
That was the most sad moment of my life. I discovered the pain my love had gone through and hadn't told anyone. What is worse, he thought that definitely after hearing this I would break up. So, to break up on an honest note because he owed me that, he told  me.
 
Before coming to city to attend college for higher studies, my husband had done his graduation in his hometown. That time we didn't know each other. He must have been around 20.
 
Once when he had gone to a village fair with his relatives, some of the men thought of staying there over night. My husband was forced to stay with them for the men's party. He was very reluctant because he neither smoked, nor drank nor stayed up late in the night. Apparently, after spending some time with his uncles and others, he went off to sleep on his bed. This bed was on the fair ground in open air. As it was the last day of the fair, most of the troop went off to adjoining villages.
Somewhere in the middle of the night, my husband's uncle, and his two other friends sneaked up to his bed and beat him up. After that they raped him and left him in a ditch nearby. He managed to get up in the morning, and go to his house. He did not tell his parents about the rape but told them that he had been robbed. There was a police complaint lodged for robbery but nothing came out of it.
 
After that time, my husband spent a few days thinking of nothing but revenge.
But fate had something else in store.
 
The same three people who had raped him died in a truck accident.
 
To this day, my husband thanks god because he says that god didn't want him to do a crime.
Anyway, after listening to him, I felt very very sorry. But even once I didn't hesitate about marrying him. In my mind, he was the man for me and no other, whatever happened. But he wasn't sure. He said that if not the physical wounds, after that incident, he wasn't the same man. In fact, he said that he felt less like a man because he couldn't even protect himself let alone protecting me.
 
That was the time I realised how primitive our definition of MAN was!
 
I advised him to see a psychologist. In our case, thankfully he was a mutual friend we both could trust.
My husband did see him and has been reading a lot of self help books. After I convinced him that his story had not affected me in any way, he agreed to marry.
 
Both my parents and his parents were very happy with our union. But to me it did not feel right to marry him without telling my parents about it.
 
The reason was simple. If they came to know somehow, and if they changed their behaviour towards my husband, neither he nor I would be able to take it.
When I told my husband that before marriage I wanted to tell this to my parents, he was very uncomfortable. He opposed for a long time. After a lot of discussion with me and our shrink, he agreed. But he made it clear that he wouldn't tell his parents. I told him that decision was his and I would support him.
 
My parents reacted in the most mature of ways thankfully! They told my husband that they loved him as a son in law and couldn't care less about his past! They also advised him to forget about it as there are both good and bad experiences in life and one has to move on. This has created a very special bond between my parents and my husband. My father truly believes that my husband is the son he never had!
 
My husband in turn thanks them because he didn't think his parents would be able to digest such a thing and move on. He also thanks them for not pitying him. Rather, he feels happy that this sad thing that happened to him never comes up in their minds while interacting with each other.
 
We have been married for 2 years and are now expecting our first child!
 
The thing that we have learnt from this experience is that rape is not only about women. It is about asserting your dominance over a physically weaker person.
A rapist does not look for attractiveness in his victim. He is only looking for a hole (pardon my language, but it is the truth).

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