Answer by Jan Leadbetter:
1. I'm outrageously good in bed; you'll end up losing your job because you're late for work all the time. You will start walking like John Wayne.
2. I'm a really good cook; you'll end up packing on the pounds and developing diabetes because of all the delicious desserts I serve up.
3. I'm hilarious company; your mascara will constantly be running down your face; you'll develop an incontinence problem.
4. Your mum will love me; this will cause a family rift as your father becomes jealous, the arguments will escalate, and your parents will end up on 'Jerry Springer' throwing chairs.
5. All your girlfriends will be jealous too; see point 4.
6. All your gay friends will be jealous; see point 4.
7. I'm not at all loquacious; but I have been known to be a sesquipedalian.
8. Pets love me; your dog/cat will quickly develop such strong feelings for me that when we sit across the room from each other and both call her name, she will come to me, not you. Heartbreak and bitterness will ensue, you'll become a cynical, twisted wreck. Your self esteem will plummet.
9. I can't count.